I can NOT believe this! I am young, supple (and I repeat supple), with my shit together and I am single. I am knocking on 30s door with no family of my own (I.e a cat, a dog and a man). How? How is this so? Well, I know partially why but I aint telling y’all ALL my damn business. Besides devoting 99% of my time to my career…lets just say I was in a wonderful relationship for years where either of us could bear children. Needless to say I am still Single A.F with no options. None! I just landed in the beautiful state of CA with my car champagne (my cars name) and pictures of my cat fefe and no significant other. Great!
From what I have noticed people move WITH there significant other to another state! I mean of course people move alone all the time but not to a place like here….Wisteria Lane! Yes! I live in Wisteria Lane (A reference from the show Desperate Housewives)! Full of families, gated communities, high end foreign cars, and every resource at your disposal! It’s beautiful! BUT everyone in this city is married or in some kind of relationship! So living in a city comprised of families, I am left with two options: Drive hours to mix n’ mingle for the desired look of a man I am going for OR try…..(The dreaded) Online Dating thing!
I NEVER thought I would be in this situation! I never thought I would feel so…I don’t even have the words…oh! Less desirable! That’s it! Less desirable! I am so used to men back home giving me so much attention then I come out here and I am not even an on there radar. I don’t care who you are but that would take a toll on anybody! It did not affect me too bad because I realized I am in unfamiliar territory with ppl who aint used to seeing a woman like me! Which, in turn, makes me feel special! I stand out! I know catch 22 right? It’s so weird! Many look and stare but no one is approaching! Lets be frank, I figured no one was trying to talk to me because of my race. They are not used to seeing “other” out here so I am sure most are intimidated and feel the approach should be different. But a simple “Hello” would surffice! Any who, Ill save that topic for another post as I could go on all day! Another reason came to mind, I have been told I always have a resting bitch face on but I thought I worked on that…Oh well!
Any who, I was saying before I went off on a MAJOR tangent… I did not frown upon online dating or judge people who did it! I just never thought it was for me! I did not think I would be in this situation! I mean…come on! I…I… I’m the shit! Ok maybe JUST maybe I am a little Cockident (Cocky + Confident I stole that from my ex who used to say that to me all the time) but that should not be the problem! Right? Maybe it is a bit but ill save that topic for another post too! I digress…over the course of a month I kept thinking about it…
“Should I do it? Or just go out more? I don’t have much time to go out I am so busy! Welp this would be easy and it does the work for me a bit! And plus where would I go if I wanted to go out?!?! I don’t know much about this place”
After much contemplating, praying, and talking to friends and family about it! Many if not all were supportive! Honestly, I was afraid they would judge me or think less of me. I was so nervous about it that I did not tell my parents! How that breaks down is I tell mommie and I tell her EVERYTHING btw! Then she tells daddy b/c I would never tell my dad that LOL. We would later talk and he would just know and ask me how my date was LOL!
But deep down, I was excited about it! In college I never dated like I should have, or partied, or did anything the normal college kid would do! I thought to myself:
“SECOND CHANCE!!!! Wow, I can finally date people and see what is out there! I can get dressed up and go out! I can get excited about somebody again…Finally!!!” 
Then, after much thought I decided to do it! I thought about all the sites and chose a few to get on! Right after I opened the app it says:
“Sign In with Facebook”
I thought: “FUCK! I will not do that! What happens if it shows on my timeline?!? But I guess it is used as a means to make sure they’re real….Screw it” I pressed the button! It uploaded tons of pictures for me and I deleted all but 1. I posted pictures of just my face and one full body with a bland background. I know how I look at pictures and I don’t have time for ppl to gain context clues!
So many thoughts and questions were running through my mind like:
“How will I communicate with these guys outside of the app? I don’t want to give them my number”
“Someones going to ask me out! Am I going to have enough balls to actually go?”
“Why OH WHY! Cant I just meet a man at the fucking grocery store or at church or something? Why can’t I just be somewhere and we bump into each other like the movies and fall in love from there” (I AM A HUGE HOPELESS ROMANTIC…HUGE)
“Omgosh what happens if I get someone like the craigslist killer!!!! Omgosh omgosh I can not do this!”
“What will I do if he puts a gun to my back and says act normal or else? How the fuck will I get out of that?
The what ifs and what would you do scenarios would not stop! Not to mention if mommie knew how many MORE what if/what would you do she’d ask and scare me half to death. “I’m such a chicken and I’m ruining my own excitement” I thought. But lets be real…those scenarios could happen! So they were things I totally needed to think about! My main thought was I need to be licensed to carry! Keep one in my purse and blow a Muthaf@&*as head off if need be.
I was SOOOOO paranoid about going out on dates I came up with a strategy as to how I can protect myself: 1. Alias name: I always used my middle name! Only those close to me know my first name 2. I got a Google number! But that got me caught up too! 3. Code words: When I got to a date my family knew which word (1) meant I liked or disliked a person 4. We always met in a HEAVILY populated location and my family had that location 5. I sent my family his profile picture and his phone number
So now… at night before bed I find myself on these online dating sites swiping left or right! Staring at pictures of Men (or bots) and reading their descriptions. Many read “Looking for fun” “Looking for friends” Looking for a good time! Great! Just Great I thought! In a cesspool full of THOTS and cookie snatchers! Wonderful (said sarcastically). Photo after photo, I look at each mans eyes determine if I think he is one of the following:
1. Nice Guy 2. Meh 3. Raging Lunatic 4. Player type
And the list goes on! I know you are wondering how one could come to these conclusions off a picture! Well it is quite simple after you read there profile and After I look at the photos I just go with my gut! I also find my self checking to see if the guy (who passed the non verbal psychiatric exam) who I think is cute is a match *Head falls in palm* What have I become?
To Be Continued…
C.Michelle
